The Adventure Continues: D&D 5e Part 2: Bullywug Cave

•December 4, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Part two of our campaign takes us deep inside the Bullywug cave, I wonder how our heroes will get out of this one?!


“Looks like we should probably head into this cave if we want to find that last Bullywug and slit his throat!” exclaimed Outis whilst wiping the blood off of his sword on a loincloth worn by his fallen adversary.

“And more importantly to see what happened to those potatoes.” interjects Constantine.

“Yeah…and that.”

Our three heroes approach a small opening in the side of a craggy mountainside. Pulling away some branches and leaves, the opening reveals itself and a small cave covered in claw marks and potato peelings can be seen. Outis, followed by Osborn and then Constantine, subconsciously falling into height order, enter the cave which is lit by several old, oil lamps hanging on hooks.

We oughta be quiet,” whispered Osborn, “that last Bullywug has surely mentioned to the rest of his clan that we’re here.

Stinky the owl glides through the cave entrance and creeps towards an opening at the end of the corridor they have found themselves in.

“Stinky, go up ahead and check the passage.” Constantine asks of his feathered companion.

YOU MUST ATTEMPT A PERCEPTION CHECK

The voice bellows through the eardrums of the three, now very startled, explorers.

“What was that?!” all three say in unison.

CONSTANTINE. THIS IS YOUR DM, DON’T ASK WHAT THAT MEANS

YOU MUST ATTEMPT A PERCEPTION CHECK

With all of his innate power and knowledge, Constantine searches in his deepest thoughts and memories for any meaning to this deep voice that echoes through the halls of his mind. Memories from his days at his Wizard school and the loss of loved ones fills every synapse. A fog is cleared over parts of his subconscious that had been left behind and wilted with time. Like shots of light firing through all the cells in his body, Constantine opens his mouth and defiantly states:

3.”

The voice returns with knowledge of their surroundings.

YOU ARE IN A CAVE

IT IS DARK

“Well,” Osborn says, whispering as quietly as he can, “what did you see?”

“Ermm…we need…to..err….go quietly…as there are….erm….some bullywugs in the next room.”

Shhh, keep it down. How many?”

Ermm, two?”

“I say I go in and chop..” says Outis.

SSSSHHHHHHHH!”

Alright, alright. I’ll go in and chop their heads off.”

“No! Wait—!”

Outis charges round the corner and finds two Bullywugs who are startled by his sudden appearance.

YOU HAVE ADVANTAGE

“What?!”

YOU HAVE ADVANTAGE

Not really knowing what that means, Outis raises his longsword vertically over the head of one of the Bullywugs before bringing it down and slicing his foe in half. Osborn jumps over the shoulder of Outis and aims his shortsword at the body of the second Bullywug and inflicts minimal damage. Knowing that his foe is still alive, he retracts his sword and follows up with a left-handed punch, knocking the Bullywug to the floor. Constantine, late to the party, slides through Outis’ feet and starts to prepare a spell.

“No need Constantine, we got them down super quick.” announces Osborn with pride. “They hardly had any health at all!”

YEAH, I MAY NEED TO RE-EVALUATE HEALTH POINT DISTRIBUTIONS IN THE FUTURE

“What?”

“Look!” Constantine points to an iron door to the left of the small cavern they are in. “Get over here Outis, we need you.”

Feeling somewhat flattered by the gnome’s words, Outis obliges and approaches the tall, iron door.

“What d’ya need?”

Constantine climbs up Outis’ back onto his shoulders and peers through a set of iron bars at the top of the door.

“POTATOES!”

Through the cracks in the iron bars, a large cavern filled with thousands of potatoes stacked up in boxes can be seen. Clearly the potato thief has been busy.

“It’s locked, but I’m sure we can find the key in here somewhere.”

“Help me!”

A voice echoes through a tunnel to the right of the iron door. Outis, followed by his smaller companions rush through the tunnel to find a man sat cross-legged on the floor. The man is of human descent and is wearing a fine red robe. His accent clearly speaks of his wealthy upbringing and education.

“The Bullywugs took me and left me here to die. You three fine fellows do look like the hero type!”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to say that myself, but if the shoe fits…” interjects Osborn.

“There’s a great big Bullywug that speaks Common through that doorway to the south and he surely has the key to open up that door back there. I presume that’s why you’re here.”

“…yes. Howard the Coward?”

“Absolutely! By golly, you guys really do know how to save a fella in a pinch!”

Outis sidles up to Constantine and whispers, “this guy isn’t even chained up. I suggest we use him as bait.”

“What are ya saying back there big guy?” questions Howard. “I can hear ya you know. These ears aren’t just here to frame my face! They didn’t chain me up because, look at me! I’m Howard the Coward, couldn’t do a thing. Trustworthy, no, but reliably cowardly? Absolutely! That’s me!”

I’m not convinced. Let me intimidate him. Constantine, surely you have something that could help.”

“I have a plan.” exclaims Constantine.

Constantine waves his hands in front of him causing a fluorescent, blue light to wisp from his fingertips. In the blink of an eye, a second, but slightly shorter and translucent Outis is side-by-side with the original Outis.

“Ooo, magic, I do love me some magic.” exclaims Howard.

“It’s not working! Also, why is it only 5ft tall?!” shouts Outis.

“Well, it only allows me to make an object that is 5ft by 5ft,” states Constantine, “I tried my best!”

“It looks ridiculous!”

“I have another idea.”

“But wait, we need to decid—”

Constantine crouches down and is surrounded by an aura of purple, bright light. The light swirls around him and pebbles on the cave’s floor slowly rise up as if being summoned for a higher purpose. Howard the Coward gets up and rolls through Outis’ legs before escaping through the entrance by which our heroes entered.

“DAMN!” shouts Outis, “THIS BETTER BE GOOD!”

The light finishes its motion of swirling and is raised towards Constantine’s head. His mouth agape, the light enters disappears inside his tiny body.

“RARRRRGHHHHHBLLLAAAARRGGGGGG!”

The loud noise exits Constantine’s mouth, reverberating around the cavern and causing several stalactites to vibrate and crash to the cavern floor.

“Quick! Behind this wall!” shouts Constantine.

The three hide behind a wall that runs along the center of the cave.

“What kind of noise was that?!” demands Outis.

“It was the mating call of a female Bullywug. Bullywugs are actually facing extinction due to low-level adventurers like ourselves killing them off by the dozen!”

Loud footsteps echo through a tunnel located just in front of the small wall our heroes are hiding behind.

“RORRAGGGGHH?!”

Outis, Constantine and Osborn spring up from behind the wall and unleash a flurry of attacks and high dice rolls. The Chief Bullywug can’t do anything to respond to this vicious display of violence and is soon rended across the cavern floor.

“Oh, didn’t expect that to go quite so easily or violently as that.” puzzles Osborn.

ME NEITHER

I ALMOST DEFINITELY NEED TO LOOK AT HEALTH DISTRIBUTION

A small iron key soaked in Bullywug blood hangs from what’s left of the Chief Bullywug’s loincloth. Osborn crouches down to pick it up when he hears a faint cry from the tunnel through which the Chieftan came.

“Not again…” grumbles Outis.

Entering into the largest cavern of this particular cave system, the three adventurers spot a small, frail and frightened human male chained to a stalagmite, whimpering in the corner.

“Ohh…thank goodness.”

Osborn approaches the man with the iron key when Outis grabs Osborn by the shoulder.

“The last time we trusted someone, he ran off. This guy might be a threat.”

Outis reaches for his sword and out of the man’s mouth leaks a whimper that would make even a wounded puppy embarrassed.

“..maybe not.” Outis takes his hand off of his sword.

“My..my..my name is Howard. Those Bullywugs and that man ambushed my wagon and then went into town to steal all the potatoes. They must have been using some kind of magic as the potatoes levitated in here. Nobody was carrying them!”

“See, Outis, he’s fine.”

“I’m not convinced.”

“Here, let’s see” interrupts Constantine.

The same blue light that was seen earlier radiates from Constantine’s hand and in the blink of an eye a 5ft tall, floating potato appears inches from Howard’s face.

“Arggghhhhhh!”

Howard recoils in horror as a small patch of moisture appears in his trousers.

“This is definitely the guy.” says Osborn as he leans through the illusory potato and unshackles Howard.

“Oh, why thank you! We need to get back to Jimmy straight away.”

“First, we need to know what we should do about all these potatoes.” states Outis.

“Well, we can only take 3 buckets worth but there only seems to be about 1 bucket of actual, good potatoes that haven’t become rotten yet.” explains Osborn.

“Rotten?! They’ve only been here 4 days!”

“Maybe the magic used to levitate them caused them to age really quickly.”

YEP, THAT’S IT

THAT’S DEFINITELY IT

DEFINITELY NOT DUE TO BAD TIMELINE PLANNING ON MY PART

“See! Wait, what?”

“Well, the way I see it is that we can grab three buckets of bad potatoes and just kinda put the good ones on the top. Jimmy is never gonna check all of the barrels, surely?”

“Sounds good to me.” says Constantine.

With three buckets of mostly rotten potatoes and a man covered in his own urine in their possession, the three intrepid explorers exit the cave and make their way back to their caravan. Thinking quickly, and for the upholstery in the caravan, Outis strips the old man lying in the road and throws his purple robe to Howard.

“At least you won’t stink on our way back.”

Back again. D&D 5e Campaign!

•November 14, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I’m back! Well, I haven’t actually gone anywhere but this blog has been dead for a long, long time. I’m still living in Québec and am now teaching English. Anyway, enough about that, the reason this blog has started up again is as a way to re-cap my brand new DnD campaign that myself and three other friends started 2 weeks ago.


Characters

In our gang of explorers we have myself (Osborn, Halfling Monk), James (Outis, Human Fighter) and Sam (Constantine, Gnome Wizard). None of us have ever played DnD 5e seriously before. We did try playing once before with just two explorers but it didn’t go very well. We got ambushed and then lost interest in playing once the fighting was over. This time, however, we have fully committed to character voices and making this campaign as fun as we can. Loz is our DM and he’s been doing a great job considering it’s his very first time DM’ing. Although, he does seem to only have three voices for NPCs. Gruff, cockney Londoner, “Northener” and Female voice 1. His vocal talents are going to be worked very hard throughout our adventures I think.


The Adventure Begins

The journey begins in a trade caravan heading to the Elvish city of Cyntheria. The goods in this particular caravan? Gems? Exotic spices? Gold? No. Potatoes. The Elvish city relies heavily upon potatoes for its manufacture of alcohol. Recently there was a strange disappearance of the town’s potato supply with many caravans going missing along this very route. Their patron, Jimmy No Shoes had warned the group of highway robberies and kidnappings as his lifetime friend Howard the Coward had gone missing whilst on a potato shipment. Tensions were running high in the caravan as our three heroes had only just met in a local tavern before being assigned a driver named Hugo to transport their expensive goods. Tension between the crew and Hugo was growing.

“So, ermm, Hugo, when are we gonna get to Syntheria?” Osborn asked.

“Soon.” snapped Hugo.

“Ok. No need to be rude. we’ve all been stuck in here with Outis’ gas as well. If anything it’s worse back here!”

Hugo has had enough and closes the hatch between himself and the caravan.

“What got on his goat?” Osborn addresses the rest of the caravan. “He’s been grumpy this whole time. No wonder he’s just a caravan driver.”

“I can still hear you through this grate.”

“…what was even the point…?”

“He’s been doing a great job so far, Osborn. Just leave him be. I can’t wait to get off this caravan, though. I hear they have some great Dragon Chess sets in Syntheria.” says Constantine.

“Yeah, well he’d better hurry up or I’ll slit his throat and drive this damn thing myself. I have land proficiency don’t ya know.” interjects Outis.

The caravan comes to a sudden halt, throwing both Constantine and Osborn off of their seats and onto the caravan floor. Hugo slides open the grate.

“There’s a man in a purple robe standing in the middle of the road about 100ft up ahead. One of you guys wanna go and see what he wants? Besides, I need to clear some of these caravans out of the road.”

“Clear some caravans out of the road?” Constantine addresses Hugo whilst readying a spell to summon his mighty 1hp Illusory owl, Stinky. “Go Stinky, see what’s happening.”

A bright, blue, translucent illusory barn owl flies out of Constantine’s hands and out the back of the caravan, passing through Outis’ shoulder before becoming fully solid once its summon has finished. Stinky flies up above the caravan to see abandoned and looted caravans strewn across the path. Hugo descends from atop the caravan and begins dragging a caravan that sits directly in front of their own.

“Stinky is telling me that there is indeed an old man up ahead. He appears to be unarmed. Who fancies seeing what he wants?”

“Fuck’s sake. Guess I’ll do it. Hope this old fuck has some gold at least.” Outis says as he hops out of the caravan.

Osborn and Constantine look at each other and Osborn says “Has some gold…? What do you think he’s gonna do?”

Outis hops out of the caravan with his hand firmly gripping his sword. He doesn’t intend on hurting this old man, but if he suspects he’s rich he may just well attack him. Before Outis could get 50ft in front of the man, the man shouts:

“That’s strange. I thought you, Osborn and Constantine would all come out. Oh well. Outis, I have something I need to show you. You must find Ilyana in Evansford. She’ll know what to do.”

The old man holds out his hands in which appears to be three coloured crystals. One is a deep, rich red. The next is a royal purple. The final crystal is a dark, inviting green colour.

“I have these crys…UGH!”

A spear comes flying from the side of the road. It makes contact with the old man and passes through the man’s skull as if it were made of jelly (a food-stuff that does not exist in this world).

“What the–!”

As Outis cries out in shock, the three crystals hit the floor and roll towards Outis’ feet. Outis grabs the crystals thinking he’s found a small fortune. The gems then break free of Outis’ hand and begin humming a low song. They glow and shoot up into the air much like something that flies up into the air would. Stinky dodges the crystals before they come flying down with tremendous speed as if fueled by something not of this world. The red gem flies towards Outis and lodges itself in the back of his right hand. The other two crystals smash through the front of the caravan where Constantine and Osborn remain. The purple gem finds its owner in Osborn and the green gem in Constantine. Our three heroes find themselves in an ambush. An old man has died and mysterious crystals have embedded themselves in our heroes’ hands. Whatever will they do?

“Bullywugs! On the east side of the road!” Constantine shouts.

Outis sees two Bullyugs readying spears by the roadside. Outis charges the two, slicing one of the Bullywugs in half down the middle with his longsword. The second Bullywug raises a spear and throws it in Outis’ direction, missing by a hair.

“We better get out there and protect Hugo and help Outis!” Constantine says to Osborn.

“Sure thing.”

The two small heroes exit the caravan and look around for Hugo. They see a figure in the distance that appears to be running with some speed away from the caravan, followed only by a trail of kicked up dust and obscenities.

“Fucking Jimmy No Shoes. I’m not dying over potatoes. No siree. Definitely not to some damn Bullywugs!”

“Better go and help Outis then!”

Outis is still looked in combat with the Bullywug when he notices another Bullywug running towards a small cave to the south. As Outis was distracted by the rogue Bullywug, his sparring partner strikes Outis in the bicep causing a small scratch. Outis quickly responds with his longsword but it isn’t enough to kill the Bullywug. A bolt of frost rips through the Bullywug, creating a hole but freezing the exposed entrails. Outis can see Constantine through the hole with his hands held out in front of him emanating frozen wisps of air.  Outis and Osborn high-five each other through the newly formed hole whilst Constantine rolls his eyes.


 

Oof. That was a lot longer than I expected. We actually got through a lot more than this so hopefully I’ll have it all written up later on this week. I’ve really enjoyed playing DnD so far and hope that this comes across in my adventure re-caps. Let me know what you think and I’ll have some more of the campaign up later this week!

Still learning French

•January 15, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Bonjour, salut et allo ! As you did or didn’t know (I think I mentioned it in the previous post), I’m currently studying French in the beautiful city of Québec. I still feel nowhere near fluent and I know I need to up my game as it were but I’m super nervous talking with strangers and looking like a fool. As soon as I can explain to someone that French isn’t my first language and I’m from England I feel a lot more comfortable, thing is, it’s difficult to sneak that casually into conversation when trying to order McDonald’s (or McDo as it’s known in French. I prefer the British slang MaccyD’s) at a drive-through.

“Ah bonjour. Je voudrais un hamburger avec fromage s’il vous-plaît.” (Hello, I’d like a hamburger with cheese please. Pretty reasonable request for McDonald’s).

“Hé-là, on a pas des hamburgers plus.” ((Really informal here for some reason) Hey there, we don’t have any more hamburgers. What?! No hamburgers at MaccyD’s?! Oh no, need to think quickly).

“Ehhh, ok. Ermmm….poulet ?” (Me, struggling for words and wondering if there’s anything else on the menu. I went for chicken. I was in luck).

“Um, oui. On a quelques poulet. Combien est-ce que vous-voulez ? Est-ce que vous voulez un trio aussi ?” (Slightly bemused response to say that they have some chicken. How many do I want and if I want a trio. What the hell is a trio?)

“Umm, oui ? (Good move by me here).

“How many pieces do you want and did you want it as a meal.” (They’ve finally given up and started using English).

“Six morceaux and oui. Un coke s’il vous-plaît. Oh, je viens de l’Angleterre.” (Not giving up. Six pieces and yes. I saw their next question coming and gave them a big old Coke before they could even ask. I come from England. Thought I’d sneak that in at the end although I feel it may have been too late).

Now, the above story isn’t true but it’s how I imagine every conversation will happen when I talk with a stranger. I know I’m crazy for thinking this as I know my French is good enough for this kind of shit but people here talk soooo fast. They also have such strong accents. I mean, at least if I were in China learning Mandarin, it would be very apparent to the natives that I am not one of them. I am not Chinese. I do not look Chinese. I am probably 4 or 5 inches taller than the average Chinese man*. They would know before talking to me that my Chinese is probably a bit shit. Here though, in Québec, I look like every other person. I’m white, average height and an English blight. Sorry, had to rhyme. They probably just think I’m stupid or not listening. Not sure which is better. One is half-true and the other isn’t very considerate. I usually get two sentences in and then end up looking lost and scared. I think more confidence is needed and also to be able to tell people that I’m here to learn French so please talk more slowly. I think I just need to articulate more.

That’s all I’ve got right now. You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to correct and double-check my French up there. I feel like such a baby in French some times even when I’m just trying to write a simple sentence. Also not easy to get across the accent of these Québecois folks. Learning French with Rosetta Stone did not prepare me for this.

*Thought I was being racist but I am actually 5 inches taller than the average Chinese man.

Do what makes you happy

•December 7, 2012 • Leave a Comment

After watching this, I wanted to take the video’s advice and sit and play Halo all day as it’s something I thoroughly enjoy doing, but, according to my girlfriend, playing XBox all day does not constitute as professional development. Ahh well. That’s sort of why I’m back on this blog and back to writing. I’m currently trying my best to learn French so I rarely get to write in English. I probably only write in English to my family and even then it’s nothing elaborate. I think I’ll start writing more often and I might even have an idea for a novel in my head. Part biographical, part detective-dinosaur story. Think it needs some work.

On a more serious note, the above video is something that really connected with me and sums up how some of my friends are feeling with their lives right now. It’s hard to do what’s expected of you when you have to be doing something you detest doing. You’d like to go and do what you love, what really makes you tick but “real-life” keeps getting in the way. Dedicate as much time as you can to doing the thing you love whilst still contributing to “real-life” as much as you can until you can eventually transition into doing what you love full-time. It’s a hard notion to stick to and something I know I’ll be guilty of not doing but I’m gonna try.

Time to open up OpenOffice and put some words to paper.

Taylor Made Podcast

•September 10, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Hey anyone stumbling across my blog. Yes, you! Sitting there in your chair at your computer, I’m talking to you! I’ve not written something on here for a while now and whilst I have my reasons, I don’t think that they’re truly valid but that’s not why I’m posting. I’m posting to tell you about a podcast I’m a host on with my brothers Sam and Laurence Taylor. You can find it here: http://taylormadepodcast.wordpress.com/

 
It’s a show where we talk about video games, nonsense and just try and catch up with one another. Give it a listen and maybe subscribe on iTunes if you’re a super swell kind of guy (or girl). It would mean a lot to us if you did so thanks in advance. I know you’ll do the right thing.

 
A lot has changed for me since the last time I even thought about writing on this blog. I’ve moved all the way to Canada and am currently studying French over here. Hmm, it’s a bit strange to be honest. I also finished watching Breaking Bad and oh boy is it good. Will probably write something about it fully in the future. Hmmm, maybe.

The Dissection of Isaac Part Two

•June 15, 2012 • Leave a Comment

A little while ago I wrote an article on my interpretation and analysis of the meaning of Edmund McMillen’s game, The Binding of Isaac. Since that time, the game has seen a significant update which has also introduced a new ending. If you haven’t finished the game all full and proper, then stop reading and play it! Not only because you won’t know what I’m on about, but because it’s a fucking good game.

The twelfth and final ending depicts Isaac reading a book (presumed to be the Bible) which he then closes and sees his reflection in the mirror. His reflection turns into a black version of himself with red eyes. Upon seeing his own reflection Isaac once again looks across the room and sees the treasure chest. We can only presume that he then proceeds to lock himself inside.

We would only have to presume but McMillen has said on his formspring that this ending comes before the eleventh and that would actually make some sense. As I previously noted in my other article, I believe the game is about creativity and a lack of understanding of a child’s imagination. Isaac is constantly told that his drawings and over-active mind are the work of the devil and not ordinary for a child of his age to be doing. After finally finishing his own story through his drawings he takes some reflection upon his work and contemplates that maybe his Mother and religious teachings are right and he isn’t a normal child at all.

The inclusion of his Father in a Polaroid picture with both his Mother and himself only emphasies my belief that his Mother is not abusive and is not the Mom we know within the game. My reasoning is is that Isaac’s father is presumed to have passed away so the only authority figure for Isaac to rebel against is his Mother, hence why she appears so vile within his imagination.

The two different final battles between either the Devil or Isaac are also interesting when we consider the floor that they both appear in. The Cathedral is what Isaac presumes to be the ‘correct’ and ‘right’ choice to make and Sheol is going further and further within in his psyche. It’s interesting to note that Isaac believes the right thing to be doing is to be destroying himself and taking himself out of this world. He does so as he has had the reinforcement from his Mother and the Bible that he is not a normal child. The fight with the devil is just Isaac digging even further into his own beliefs. He’s already killed his Mom in his imagination and the only other figure of authority has been the fear of the Devil. Upon killing the Devil in his own mind (as he does with himself when killing Isaac) he snaps out of his imagination and reaches the same conclusion.

The amount of depth and story intertwined within this game is quite astonishing considering that there is a lack of an actual gameplay narrative. A lot of the story is taken from inference and implication. I’m really glad McMillen kept the ending pure and also expanded upon the eleventh ending. I still believe that the game is far more personal than we will ever know but only McMillen will know the true meaning of who Isaac is.

Dr Fetus or: How I Learned to Stop Whining and Love Super Meat Boy

•January 31, 2012 • Leave a Comment

So it’s back-to-back posts featuring work from the mind of Edmund McMillen. I seemed to have swamped myself within his mind plasma and spent far too much time playing The Binding of Isaac and now Super Meat Boy. If you’ve not heard of the hardcore-twitch platformer that is Super Meat Boy, then you really need to educate yourself. Imagine playing a game of Mario that had its difficulty jacked up to 11 with no remorse for the player. Super Meat Boy is that game. It also seems no coincidence that Super Meat Boy and Super Mario Bros. share the same initials. McMillen steeps his work in game-history and SMB (Super Meat Boy, not Mario) is no different.

The game opens with the narrator shouting at you “SUPER MEEEEAT BOOY” and the attitude doesn’t stop there. You start by taking control of an anthropomorphic cube of meat who’s girlfriend (Bandage Girl) has been kidnapped by the evil, and adorable, Dr. Fetus. The motive is unknown but the formula is so familiar that we take this for granted. The levels have all got the same fundamental goal. Reach Bandage Girl without being turned into burger patties too many times. You will die though. Numerous times. But dying hundreds of times on the same level only makes the replay upon completion so much greater. The replay shows not only your final attempt, but all previous attempts simultaneously running head-first into an inevitable and gruesome red spray.

Although SMB has been out for some time now, it is one game that I find myself coming back to time and time again. The reason for my absence from the game is probably down to the difficulty. When I first picked up the game way back last year, I found the first world to be a nice introductory set of levels that still possessed challenge. I’ve recently gone back and played these starting levels and found them to be somewhat of a cakewalk. It’s not because they’ve become objectively easier, but because by the end of the game you’re having to do things that would have seemed unfathomable when you first started out as a baby Meat Boy, or should that be Meat Baby?

The game is best played on a controller and this is where the real magic of the game lies. There are plenty of platformers out there that don’t behave themselves very well and have the player shouting “bullshit!” at the controls and how they behave. Like being put in charge of an overweight man in slippers who’s carrying bricks and then being told to navigate him across an icy bridge. It ain’t gonna happen. SMB, however, has tight controls. Really tight. You may find yourself blaming the controls for your failure but it isn’t the controls that are letting you down. It’s these controls that give the game its speed and enjoyment. The game is all about speed and the quick resets and loading times encourage this. It’s like when playing Trials HD where you know that hitting that reset button will not take time. You need to beat your friends’ times and resetting to do so is not a problem.

The game is also steeped in video-game history. It knows that the comparison to Mario would happen and how does Meat Boy reply? With a great big middle finger and an attitude that says “come at me”. And you know what? It can get away with it because it’s so well made. It replicates old gaming systems and their graphics, their music and their loading screens. The game may be frustrating but rewards the player with that warm and fuzzy nostalgia feeling. So what I can’t beat this level? The beeps and boops well make up for it and the adorable sprites are a bonus.

That’s not to say the game doesn’t have its faults. The lack of being able to quickly see friends’ times whilst playing is a bit of a pain. Trials HD does the competitive leaderboard to perfection especially with the in-game marker to show you where your friends were at that time. It’s something that’s lacking from SMB but is certainly not a game-killer. The sheer volume of content in the game more than makes up for any shortcomings.